Feeding The Habit

"I will go in this Way, Oh but I will find my own way out." -Dave Matthews

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Time Keeps Us (story begining perhaps)

There was a sway to the whole body when you watched her walking away like that. I suppose things in motion always catch your eye. B-e-c-k-i-e with a heart over the “i” is her name. The crumpled up receipt made a three pointer swish in the trash can before I had a chance to read the number. She’s not a regular. Probably not even a local. Maybe an older student at the community college one town down. I’m just glad she thought her night was a success while it was still early enough to make it down the steep stairs without tripping. No telling how long she’ll wait for a call tonight before she realizes I’m not coming.

“You need another one of those?”

Bill was a nice guy. Of course, I’ve only known one tender, but he was by far the best. The place overall was kind of crazy the way it was built. From the front you see an old boarded up dress shop and then this dilapidated doorway almost hanging from the side. Twenty years ago, my first time coming to it, I was afraid to walk in. I held onto my dad’s hand tight and pulled my knees repeatedly up too my chest trying to conquer those stairs. The entire stair well was encased in rotting paint and plaster and that was all you could see as your eyes followed the steps straight up. At the top you were facing a wall and to the right was another doorway, also without a door. My dad turned without pausing other than to brush the cobwebs out of the doorframe and walked right in. My own hand dropped from his and I just stood there at the edge. I was unable to move. Even back then I didn’t like change but that wasn’t it. It was one of those feelings you get when you walk into a room and you feel it at some other time and it just doesn’t feel right. You can hear the voices and catch little glimpses and snibits but nothing concrete other than the understanding that these things being experienced seem familiar. I didn’t realize what was going on back then but it’s a feeling I know all too well now. The only problem is that you don’t know if these are things that are going to happen or if they already have. Not that knowing the time would make any difference. It’s just nice to know what to expect.

“Daryl,… you want another Beer or not?”

Monday, July 19, 2004

Stones and Arrows

There is a little up arrow in my dashboard that lights up every time I should shift to the next gear. My car thinks it knows how to drive better than I do. My car is an arrogant little prick. I still pat it lovingly and encourage it up the hills every day because it doesn't realize what an arrogant prick it is.


Six years ago and in Guatemala I entered a jewelry store. There they sold the finest jade. I bought a turtle-pendant necklace for my sister that hung from a lovely silver chain. To delight me, they gave a piece of uncut jade with my purchase.

"This has problems many" the jeweler told me in broken English. "It is not good for making jewelry."

I replied back in Spanish to say that was too bad. I assured him the dull, unfit stone would find a home with me. When I returned to the states, I found the small rectangle of jade fit perfectly over the small panel that held the offending arrow in my dash. The little blinking wouldn’t bother me any longer.


For the past six years, whenever I am on a long trip and in fifth gear, knowing the arrow will hold his peace; I remove the stone and rub it between my thumb and forefinger. It's a nervous habit as much as it is a way to pass the time. For the past six years though, it hasn't escaped my attention that the stone is becoming more and more beautiful with every passing drive.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Sunday thoughts

Yesterday, like all the others
I felt unwound. The blue smoke
of tomorrow halos my inwards
and I wonder
if you are not making this
harder than it should be.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Once, in the distance

Her words were the strongest thing I had ever heard. They stirred my soul and left me wanting, wondering. The pressure was unknown in our condition. My hands fumbled over what might have been her silhouette and caressed softly. A gentle purr was at my ear. All that night I held her, loved her. We listened to the sweet music and confused it with our souls. There was laughter but it did not change us. There was no need to speak. In the morning we did not say goodbye, for we had never met.

Friday, July 09, 2004


I find myself drowning often and with no water around.

It's the edge of the moon that I hang on to--

it floats high enough sometimes to lift me.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

What I would have thought on Sunday

Yesterday as I drifted off to dreaming daze
I dreamt I talked with you. You told me
how much fun you had and how you sold a thing
or two. I looked so deep into your smile
I heard of how was well. And of the man
with big moustache that bought some little bell.
With bottom lip uncovered grin and
whiskers holding lunch--
he spoke, you said, of beauty held...
by some certain little belle.

And then we smiled truth together
knowing of what he spoke
while looking into those same bright eyes

that held me now enthralled-
while I lifted off to dreaming daze
together with you falling.

Changing Expressions

Well, I think the bullet will simply remain on my plate. You never know when one of those things is going to go off. As far as Chance goes, I’ve decided to leave him be. I’m going to go back to hanging out with someone less obnoxious. Less risky. My old friend Fate. Now, as Chance would have it, Fate has been a pretty dull and reclusive individual in my experience. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he has no friends at all. I just can’t get past all the people telling me how lucky they were that he was on their side and led them to meet the most wonderful life. So in good faith, I’ll just wait and see what Fate turns up. I sure can’t get over that smug grin on his face though.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Julia (a character introduction)

A woman is like a puzzle, only the picture is in her head instead of on some box top where it can be seen. She alone knows what it should look like and it’s up to you to try and slowly unravel it- piece by piece. The hardest thing to figure is the first kiss.

For some this is easy and it’s given over without hesitation, before even names are shared, it comes; wet, sloppy, and lifeless. It’s happened too many times to make this kiss any more extraordinary and the only purpose it serves is too keep the guy enthralled because he is sure to get more of something later if he just keeps talking.

Other women understand that it is simply part of the first date goodnight rites. Their lips pucker and wait for the meeting. With a little prying the lips will part if it was a good night and the tongue says hello.

But it’s over as quickly as it started.

Then there is the one that wants to get to know you. The one that thinks "who you are" actually maters. This is Julia. She moves in slow and soft with her whole body and then darts away like a phantom. She lets you know she wants more with her eyes but would never provide the opportunity. It’s a game of how long will you wait for me. Or how badly do you want it? Can you guess my rules?