Feeding The Habit

"I will go in this Way, Oh but I will find my own way out." -Dave Matthews

Friday, May 28, 2004

Haze (Instalment II/final)

(It starts here.)

Overall, it looked like she had one Rum and Coke too many. Maybe I should have kept putting the Coke in her drink? But after the first two, she was really too wasted to make much difference either way. And so she sat; arms limp at either side, legs crossed like an Indian. Primitive. Just waiting for whatever and looking frazzled over the top.

The waistband managed to wiggle up between the rolls her stomach made when she sat sort of hunched like that. It occurred to me that I should probably set the trash can in front of her. Or at least motion to wrap this little game up. If they still made those clocks that sounded like a gong chiming in every hour it would have gotten tired by now. I didn’t even want to think about work the next day. Today rather. In a few hours at least I could put this all behind me. Move on to the normal things people do; like shit for a while then eat. Afterwards drink a cup of coffee and get on the Metra. Weekends work, weekdays school. But tonight, it’s sit and watch. For Hours.

Fading fast now my eyes start to slit. The cries of “I see it” won’t hold them. I glare over and think maybe this time I might actually see it too. A maroon haze around the grotesque form. Revolting, to even think, I would waste so much time drifting into otherwise settled… (It has always seemed like that moment just before you drift off into a dream that anything is possible.)


I’m not sure how but I am wide eyed awake now and the clock doesn’t seem to have made much progress. There’s sunlight through the curtains though and I figure the parents will be home anytime soon. Shoulda done this shit in the dorm. There’s a few people sleeping in the corners, on different couches, and random places on the floor. The girl is still half naked though no longer slouching over. It’s more what you would call “slumped” than anything. She’s left as a pile of flesh balled up and thrown into a puddle of vomit and piss. Yah, it looks like a mix of both as best I can tell.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I pity her, revolting chunks, yellow slime, and all. Maybe I’m still drunk. Maybe the throbbing head impairs my disinterest. I should be crowding everyone out. I should be forcing them to take as many handfuls of trash and left over cases of beer out the door with them as possible. And I should be cleaning, desperately cleaning. The whole moment throbs urgent.

But I can only think of her and how she might feel waking up in her excretions and seeing everyone she was hoping to fit in with walking around and over her looking disgusted and her feeling worthless and wondering what she had done and how she could recover and where she could go and it occurred to me that I simply had to get her out of there. I had to remove her from their sight before anyone could see her disgrace.

And so I lifted her delicately. For the first time now I looked down into that face. It was nothing extraordinary. Her eyes were closed snugly and the lashes fluttered only a little. I imagined them open and rolled back up into their sockets. It appeared she had put makeup on the night before in good faith but with little skill. The mascara and deep purple eye-shadow gave a look almost demonic and there was spittle hanging from the side of her mouth. Far from decadent. The thick scent drifted upwards, putrid, unhuman.

Being careful not to disturb the slumbering, I slowly picked my way through the intertwines of legs and bodies- carrying hers like a groom would. I reached the stairs and looked up. I decided that would be the safest place for us to go. The safest place for her to be hidden away. So the shame would be unknown. I don’t know what leveling of grace moved me to do this. I don’t know what passion caused me to feel like I did. But it was powerful.

I laid her down on my mothers side of the bed and pulled the sopped panties down and off. I smiled. She was safe from them now. I looked and the gentle blue aura was now clear, screaming calm and innocence. I moved slowly and placed my hand over her mouth. I could smell her stench. I dropped my pants. As I mounted her I could see those open eyes filled with terror. I felt her whole body try to cry out, but nothing could stop me.